Close Your Eyes, Count To Ten
by windwhisprer
Summary: [oneshot][39] He watched all his friends die, one by one and it nearly drove him insane with loneliness. But when she walked into his life everything and nothing made sense all over again. Reincarnation has a way of biting you in the ass.


**A/N: **This is a weird oneshot that has been haunting me lately. It's a 39 fic, so expect that. And it's written by me, so expect angst. Anyway, I know the idea of Sanzo as a woman has been passed around more then a prostitute, but hey, I feel like giving up originality for once.

Really it was the fic _Calling Sister Midnight _that kick-started me into writing this. If you like the idea as Sanzo reincarnated as a woman, check it out. It's pretty sweet. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and leave your comments as always.

**Close Your Eyes, Count to Ten**

He had never believed in reincarnation, but that didn't stop it from happening all around him. He'd lived through his friend's death, one after another after another. When finally the last of his friends had died, he'd nearly gone mad from loneliness. He needed his friends with him, and for years he found himself stumbling about in a daze. He had no idea what he was supposed to do, forever ageless and undying. He wasn't immortal, but he might as well have been.

He made friends, sometimes, but often after a few years they would cast him away, or he would get lost in a fog and do something unforgivable. It seemed like no one could stand him, and he missed Sanzo's tolerance (however thin it may have been) terribly. He missed the cuffs that expressed the man's affection. He missed the small hints of a smile or the scent of cigarettes that always seemed to linger around him. God, he missed the man in general. He missed Gojyo and Hakkai as well, but it simply felt like an aching hole in his chest which Sanzo had filled all those years. It was somewhere down the road when Goku met an old man.

_It had been raining, as he recalled, and he had been sitting on the sidewalk, staring down at his hands. The man approached him, and smiled. "Are you grieving for someone?" he asked. Goku simply shot him a confused look. "You certainly look it." _

"_Something like that," Goku mumbled quietly, wishing the man would leave him to brood. Heh, he was acting like Sanzo more and more. _

_The man bent down next to him, and Goku could smell the strong scent of tobacco. The man took his hands, and placed them against his own face. "Close your eyes, and count to ten." _

"_Why?" Goku cried. _

"_It will help clear your mind." Against his better judgment, Goku allowed his eyes to slide closed, and silently counted to ten in his head. When his eyes opened, he found the man had disappeared, and he felt considerably better about his situation. _

For years he dwelled and moved and _existed_. He wasn't even living anymore. Hell, he hadn't been living since the day Sanzo stopped breathing.

But when he met her, nothing and yet everything made sense all over again.

"_What the hell are you looking at, idiot?" _

_Goku blinked at the insult, but could not stop staring at the young woman before him. It wasn't—he had to be—no matter how hard Goku tried to convince himself, he couldn't stop the thoughts from racing through his mind. He'd been heading down towards the convenience store when his hunger started itching at him again. Most of the time he ignored it. He hungered for something he'd lost long ago, and often could not tell what it was he was craving. But today he felt his stomach practically scream at him, so he headed towards the store to pick up some easy-to-make stir fry kits. That was when he ran into her. _

_He'd recently arrived back in China from visiting Germany. That was one of his problems, Goku simply couldn't sit still. He was constantly traveling, pacing, fidgeting. Sanzo would have called it annoying and hit him. That was probably what he was missing. It was probably why over the years his nervous twitching had grown until often he had to force himself to sit still. But at that moment in the convenience store, he wished he'd stayed in Germany a few days longer or even ignored his hunger and stayed at home. But he hadn't, and now he had to pay for it. _

_The woman in front of him was American. Easy. She was shorter then Sanzo was, and her hair had grown much longer. Her skin tone seemed a tad bit darker then Goku remembered Sanzo's ever being, and she didn't seem quite as unhealthily skinny. Though he wondered if that had to do with her breasts. Goku flushed at the embarrassing thought and turned his eyes upwards. Long, golden hair that shone like the sun, pale lips forming a scowl, and eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. There was no way this was Sanzo. Sanzo would simply not allow himself to be reincarnated as a woman. But as she reached up, pulling away her sunglasses, he found himself staring into burning violet eyes and there was simply no room for doubt. _

"_What, can't speak English?" she snapped, placing a hand on her hip as she evaluated him critically. "If you can't then read these signs, buddy!" and then she flipped him off. _

_Goku stared. Yup. Sanzo. No room for doubt. "You're beautiful," Goku let it slip out before he meant to, though he didn't regret his words. The woman stared at him with a snarl. Sanzo never did take compliments very well. _

_Flipping her golden hair over her shoulder, she frowned. "Piss off," she snapped, before turning and heading towards the door. _

_Goku had stared at her retreating back, before remembering he had yet to find out her name. The hell was he letting her go before he could learn her name. It had been difficult, but Goku managed to place the stir fry box back on the shelf, and run after her, tripping on a few cartons along the way. "Wait! Please!" _

Later, he'd learned her name was Susan. A fitting name, Goku decided. No matter how hard he tried, he could not detach himself from this woman. He'd found his sun after centuries of waiting, and he was damned if he was going to let it slip through his fingers all over again. He found out she had rented out a small apartment. There wasn't much, just a one bedroom apartment that was very under furnished. Goku didn't mind, and actually thought it was kind of funny.

Susan had been annoyed that Goku continually showed up. Sometimes with gifts, sometimes without. But often Goku found himself lying in front of the TV, on the old couch. Often he was left in the house alone, as Susan often went out to her job, and sometimes she left without a word. None the less Goku enjoyed her presence, despite the insults and the occasional smack.

But as a few weeks rolled by, Goku had begun to notice the differences between Susan and Sanzo. Where Sanzo had been brought up harshly, and developed a cold shield over himself, Susan had not. Goku had not known what kind of up bringing Susan had, but she had not been able to develop the shield of cool indifference like Sanzo had. Often at times Goku could see emotions swimming behind her eyes, or a flicker of regret or shock. It surprised him, but somehow Susan had always been quick to shield her face afterwards. Of course, with all the time he'd spent with Sanzo, Goku had grown accustomed to these subtle hints and he caught each one as it passed.

Goku had also been surprised by the vulnerability Susan showed. She was by no means weak, but often he found her walls would crumble slightly, and her vulnerability shone through. It was rare in the few weeks that he'd known her, but the occasional slip had been there.

_Goku had been seated on the couch that afternoon when it had happened. Susan was in the bathroom, as per usual each night when she got home from work. He'd had the TV on, but his demonic hearing could pick up on the sounds of glass breaking, and the instant smell of the woman's blood. Goku had sprung to his feet, heading towards her like a jackrabbit. _

_He was at her bathroom door when he paused. Often Susan came home and took a shower after work, as she worked in a bar and hated the scent of sweat and beer mingling on her skin. So Goku was reluctant to enter. Susan would kill him if he walked in and there was nothing wrong. Frowning, he lightly tapped his knuckles against the door. "Susan?" he called out. Loud enough that she could hear but still relatively quiet. "Susan, are you okay?" _

_Still no answer and Goku was beginning to worry. He tried the door, surprised to find it unlocked. Stepping inside, he froze. Susan was crumpled on the ground, clutching her hand where blood was pouring out and leaking into the carpet. It looked like she'd broken a bottle containing god only knows. She wore no more then a towel, and her hair hung down in long, wet strands. Silently, he kneeled down in front of her, gathering toilet paper before pressing it to her palm, she hissed softly. "Susan?" he whispered, as her eyes trailed up to meet his. There were so many emotions swimming beneath the surface of those eyes, so many he could not name all of them. "We should wrap this up, okay?" _

_And then anger crossed her eyes. Clear and untamed, glaring him in the face so boldly it made him flinch. She ripped her hand back, a soft growl in her throat. "Why are you here? Why are you always here?!" she snapped loudly. "What do you want from me? Is it sex? Will you leave me alone if I let you screw me?" _

_A second later Goku found himself pinned to the ground. Susan was on top of him, kissing and suckling on his neck, the towel long since forgotten. Hold on! Whoa! Time out! Sanzo was sucking his neck! Or, Susan…? No! It was Sanzo and he was…ah! Chewing! On! His! Earlobe! "Hold on Susan!" Goku cried out pathetically, attempting to push her back by the shoulders with little success. "Maybe we should think about this…?" _

_Susan bit on his neck, and he gave a small, undignified moan. _

_Not that he hadn't thought of this. Something with Sanzo, or Susan. But not under these circumstances. Something was troubling her, and he was only making it worse. So he tried again, "Susan? Please! I don't think we should do this." _

_At that, she pulled back, glaring him straight into the eyes. Goku was finding it very hard to keep his focus off the rest of her very, very porcelain body, and meeting her blazing eyes. God, she really was Sanzo. "What do you want then?" she seethed. "Why do you keep following me?" _

_Goku wished his mouth wasn't suddenly so dry. "I just… want to be with you. I'm not looking for sex." _

_He must've blinked, because a moment later she was gone. Snatched her towel in a fit of rage and stormed across the hall to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Goku blinked stupidly. She must've either been embarrassed at what she'd tried to attempt, or annoyed that she hadn't been able to get laid. Either way he was to blame, and Susan would make sure he suffered for it. Climbing to his feet, he turned and headed across the hall. Trying the door, he wasn't surprised to find Susan had locked the door this time. He knocked softly again. "Susan? Susan, I'm sorry," he told her through the door, feeling utterly pathetic. _

"_Go away," she snapped back, hearing her stumble about in the room, cursing softly. _

_Goku let his knees slide out under him, sinking to the ground. He leaned his head back against the wood, listening to her movements until he could hear her soft, even breathing, and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat. _

Tension was strong after that, but Goku refused to leave. Susan didn't seem so intent on kicking him out either. Instead she would simply look the other way, and not even snap at him occasionally as she would have. Words between them became fewer and farther apart and Goku was regretting not granting her what she wanted.

It was only a week after the incident when Susan began bringing men home. They were each different, yet the distinct similarities were there. They were each taller then her, and each one that entered were all Asian, with an overconfident smirk on their faces, as if pleased that they were going to be with this beautiful blonde woman. Goku hated every one of them. Every time Susan came home with one, she would shoot him a nasty glare, before dragging her new toy down the hall to her bedroom for the night.

Goku hated the scent of sex that would rapidly fill the small apartment. His demonic senses would pick up on it almost immediately, and he hated that it clung to Susan like a second skin. So often when Susan brought home another new toy, Goku would leave the apartment for several hours in an attempt to escape it. Though every time he came back, he would come home to find Susan cloaked in the scent of it, sometimes dimly if she'd showered afterwards. But her room and the hall would smell of it, and it made him physically sick.

"_I don't want you doing this anymore," Goku commanded, stepping towards her. He was only half an inch shorter then her, so he figured he could be intimidating. Susan's eyes were darting all over his face, though her lips were set in a firm line. She wasn't backing down. "I'm sick of you coming home with men and allowing them to have sex with you. You're better then that." _

"_I am, am I?" she snapped back, stepping towards him. Their stomachs were practically touching, and it sent sparks through both of them. The tension was strong enough to bend the knife that tried to cut it. "Who the hell gave you right to say who I fuck or not?" _

"_No one," Goku snapped back, trying to keep from grinding his teeth in anger. "But I refused to stand by and watch you do this to yourself any longer!" _

"_Then leave my fucking apartment!" she yelled, throwing her arms up in the air. "It's not like you have to stay here or anything. This is my life and I can do what I want." _

_Goku felt like screaming. She just wouldn't quit! He needed a way to show her that he just couldn't stand to watch her give herself to anyone. She was too good for that. So, in an act of desperation, he leaned up and kissed her passionately. Pushing all his need, all his fear into showing her how he truly felt. Susan was stunned for a moment, unable to react before he pulled back. Goku just looked into her eyes, praying he didn't screw anything up. "I… just... I want to be with you. That is—I mean—" _

_He could not even finish his sentence before she roughly grabbed him by the back of the neck, pulling him into another kiss. Breaking it off, she smirked. "You never shut up, do you?" _

Things happened so rapidly after that Goku could barely comprehend it. In an instant he was pulled from his spot on the couch into Susan's bed, where he spent every night since. Susan, like Sanzo, was not someone who could just publicly display affection. But behind closed doors she would allow him to hold her, to kiss her, and do whatever else he wanted.

Goku often relished in the small occurrences of kindness she showed. In the soft smiles that would pass her lips, or moments when she would allow him to hold her hand in his, Goku found her true beauty shone through. She was a fiery, beautiful creature, but when she smiled the world seemed to have no flaw in it. Often Goku found himself up late at nights, fingering the soft golden hair that spread out along the pillow in waves, and admired the angelic look on her face. This was what he had hungered for. To be able to touch and caress this beautiful blonde hair. To hold that porcelain hand in his, and to watch those burning violet eyes to turn to him. He smiled softly. For once in his life it felt full again.

"_For fuck's sake!" she cried loudly from down the hall. Goku, standing shirtless in the kitchen, had been fixing himself a snack when suddenly the door to the bathroom was thrown open, and an angry blonde had stormed out. She wore little more then a tank top and shorts, which she seemed comfortable wearing to bed. Goku frowned softly, wondering what had riled Susan up this time. "This is all your fault!" she cried, pointing an accusing finger as she stalked towards him. _

_Goku's frown only deepened. "What's my fault?" he complained. _

"_You knocked me up!" she cried, throwing her hands up in the air hysterically. _

_Goku's brows furrowed in confusion at her words, before their meaning began to settle into his mind. Slowly, he began to realize what Susan was so hysterical about, and his eyes widened. The butter knife in his hand fell to the floor with a clatter. "Oh," was all he mumbled out, as Susan began to pace the kitchen, screaming and cursing angrily. After managing too shake out of his thoughts, he turned too Susan, who had fallen to the floor in a heap, pouting and staring at the pregnancy test in her hand. He turned to her, bending down in front of her and taking her hands in his. She turned to shoot him a scowl, and he smiled softly in reply. "What's wrong Susan?" he asked softly. "You're pregnant. We're going to have a kid. This should be exciting." _

_She scowled at him, but did not move to bring her hands away. "Because," she snapped, before turning her eyes away from his. "I'm not cut out to be a mother." _

_Goku laughed softly, causing her eyes to snap back over to him. "Do I look like the perfect father?" he asked, before allowing the pregnancy test to fall to the floor, pushing her hands softly to her eyes. She demanded to know what he was doing, but he didn't answer her. "Close your eyes," he told her softly. "And count to ten. Slowly." _

_It was silent in the small apartment before finally Susan let out a shuddering gasp, Goku let his hands fall from hers and her hands soon fell from her face. She looked up at him, and Goku could have sworn she'd smiled. He didn't have time to analyze it however, as a second later she was kissing him. _

Months rolled by, but Goku wouldn't have it any other way. Despite her various mood swings that could often leave him once again sleeping on the couch, or her constant cravings that he would have to go out to find, he was enjoying spending more time with Susan. And as much as she hated the idea of motherhood, or that something was growing inside of her, he could tell she was ecstatic. He was as well. He was going to be a father, and Susan was going to be the mother. Goku knew that when the child was born, it would be a half breed. But Goku didn't care. He would love it as much as he loved Susan, and nothing—not even the color of its red hair or eyes—would change that.

And finally when Susan went into labor, he could have died from sheer happiness.

_She was completely exhausted. Sweat made her blonde locks cling to her forehead, and she seemed to heave each breath. But looking down to the infant girl in her arms, she couldn't help but smile. Goku managed to catch it before the bundle of blankets was thrust towards him. "Here," she snapped. 'Take it. I seriously need a coffee." _

_Goku didn't yet accept his newborn baby, instead pushing Susan back down into the bed. He smiled at her snarl. "Susan, you're going to kill yourself if you keep trying to do everything yourself. Let me get you something to drink," he told her softly. _

_She snorted. "Like I need your help." She pulled the infant back towards her chest, holding it close as Goku disappeared through the door, returning later with a glass of water. Was coffee a bad thing for women who had just given birth? Goku didn't know, so he opted for some thing he knew wouldn't hurt her. Susan had snarled at his lack of coffee, but accepted the cup none the less and drank it down greedily. _

_That was when the young girl was pushed into his arms, and Susan mumbled something about being far too tired to bother with it. Goku pulled his daughter close, running his fingers over her scalp, which held wisps of red hair. He knew when she opened her eyes; she would have eyes as red and crimson as blood itself. Goku smiled softly, turning to look back at Susan, who seemed comfortable where she was, though looking as though she would pass out any minute. "What should we name her?" he whispered. _

_Susan shrugged softly. "I don't care," she muttered bitterly, though her tone was softened by exhaustion. _

"_How about Ming? I've always liked it." _

_She snorted. "Chinese? I guess its better then what I had in mind," Susan was beginning to fall asleep, and her words were beginning to slur. _

"_What's that?" Goku prompted. _

"_Mariah," and then Susan slipped into unconsciousness. _

Goku simply could not get over how adorable Mariah was. He often played with her, smiled at her, and urged her into saying her first words. Susan had snorted at him, saying that only three weeks had gone by, and that she probably wouldn't speak for at least a year yet. Goku had just grinned.

It almost seemed like a dream. With Susan at his side, and a newborn daughter. Goku could have died and been the happiest man to ever walk the world. All that waiting and finally he had what he'd always wanted. It was a dream. A completely blissful dream.

But every dream had to end.

"_SUSAN!" the scream had ripped through his throat before he meant it to, but he didn't care. He couldn't even turn his eyes away as he watched her limp body flip over the car, before slamming onto the road beneath her. There was a sickening crack, though it was almost drowned out by the squealing of tires as the car flipped around, coming to an abrupt halt. _

_Goku had left Mariah at a day care center that morning. Susan had decided it was time she got back to work and Goku had said he should find a job as well. As only having Susan support them would not end well. He'd just said goodbye, watched as she crossed the street towards her car. It was then out of nowhere a car ripped out from behind a corner, hitting Susan before he could even comprehend what had happened. _

_He ran across the street, stopping beside her and cradling her head in his lap. The scent of blood was overpowering, and he could tell the collision had broken one of her legs. Her head was bleeding along with her nose. God, who was he kidding, it looked like everything was bleeding! Her eyelids fluttered, before her drained violet eyes turned up to him. He was shaking, and he knew it. This could NOT be happening. She held her hand up, and Goku held it. It was more to comfort him then her. "Oh gods Susan…" he breathed, forcing his eyes not to look over her mangled body. _

_She smiled brokenly at him. "Goku…" she laughed airily. "Well, doesn't karma suck…?" _

"_You can pull through Susan," he told her softly, dimly hearing people around him and cries for help. "You're strong. Plus, what about Mariah? You can't leave me to take care of that poor girl by myself." _

_Susan coughed. It sounded painful, and Goku winced while hearing it. "You've got to be kidding…" she whispered hoarsely. "Out of the both of us, we both know you'd make the better parent." _

_Goku could feel himself shuddering now, trying to stop the tears from falling. He was a man, he had to be strong. As though sensing this, Susan reached out, grasping both of his hands in hers. She was shaking badly now, as though movement was too much for her. Then, she pushed the palms of his hands against his own eyes. "Close your eyes," she whispered. "And count to ten." _

_Goku smiled softly, and did as she said. _One._ They had begun to do this a lot as of late. Whenever the other was feeling slightly down, they would use this method. _Two._ Because they both knew that when the hands were removed, and their eyes opened, everything would be okay. _Three._ They would open themselves to new possibilities, new chances. _Four._ Mostly, they would both open their eyes to find their fears dispersed, and the one they loved seated in front of them, offering comfort in every way. _Five._ But Goku was beginning to doubt the method as Susan's hands were beginning to slip. _Six._ Was everything truly going to be okay? _Seven._ They had to be. Susan would not die so easily. _Eight._ He allowed his muscles to relax at the comforting thought. _Nine._ The ambulance would come and save Susan. Then everything would be okay again. _

Ten.

_Peeling open his eyes, he looked down to the still form in his lap. Her eyes were closed, her hands fallen across her chest uselessly. No longer could he hear the comforting rhythm of her heartbeat, nor her steady breathing. This beautiful creature had finally fallen, and Goku was numb. He could barely hear the sirens in the background, or the sounds of people approaching. It didn't matter. He was completely numb. _

_The method had failed. He hadn't opened his eyes to comfort. _

_He opened them to a nightmare. _


End file.
